I'm just angry...

This has been going on for some time now. I can't fight it, I've tried, and I can't seem to shake it.

My joy in life and music seem to be very far away at times and somewhat like a stray cat that captures your heart. You want to feed and care for it but other times you'd rather put a bullet in it. 

I know, don't go crazy on me just because I said I'd rather shoot a cat... just a figure of speech. I actually love animals and that's a big reason why we have tons of them around the Yoder farm here. Let's see, a raccoon, too many cats to count, 2 dogs, 2 finches, 1 rabbit, 1 chinchilla, 2 parakeets,...I think that's it. :)

Truly, I just don't know what to do. Mostly it's a very deep and personal issue and I can't share about it openly without breaking confidence. So here I am blogging about life sucking because I have no other outlet that I can't see.

But what really bugs me is that I wish it wouldn't effect everything I'm involved in. My kids are starting to feel it too I'm sure. I can see it in their eyes and their body language. They'll find me in another room, hiding, and just climb up next to me and snuggle. They miss me, I know it. They miss the laughter and fun we always have. But I can't stop hiding, cussing, and being angry at everything. I wish I didn't feel so alone or maybe just abandon. I think it's just a deep wondering of where I am and who I am. Maybe the seeking is where the finding is. I'm sure you have to walk through these times to realize the sun still shines above the clouds and to gain perspective. Many friends have much more dark days to walk through than me and as I write this I think of them and little my anger issue is. :)

Every now and then I'll practice music and I'll see the life and joy, then it's gone. I'll catch glimpses of it during a show when I connect to my listeners and talk with them afterward, but then I'm back down once I'm packed up and driving home. I still see many blessings that God gives me along the way and even how he protects me during my travels. I've had more near accidents in the past two months than in 6 years of driving all over the states. People just seem to pull into my lane or out in front of me for no reason. I see this protection and blessing but then I feel bad for not really appreciating them like I used to or think I should.

Maybe that's just what this is, a "seeing" of the blessings. They may not be as obvious but they're still there. Maybe that's what the Psalmist meant when he said, "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me...". I do feel followed and that's a good thing. You know the feeling of being followed or watched. Like you need to bolt running because you really thought someone or something was watching or following you. It's like that but someone wants to give you flowers instead of harm. Those are good thoughts aren't they. 

Okay, I'm smiling now. Thanks for letting me talk and for continuing to read. Here's to being followed! May you be run down with "goodness and mercy".

 

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