It’s Never As Big As You Think It Is.

Honestly, I’m exhausted. I don’t want to pass on negative things but I can’t seem to conjure up the sayings or belief to have relief before I go to bed tonight.

I’m drained and it’s a good thing that I don’t have a strong drink in the fridge because I’m sure I would have two. Is that bad or wrong? Is there a time when you can just give in and say “I don’t have the strength to do this”? When did I get to the point that I felt like I had to “do it all” or “get it all done” or “be strong”? If there was a strong drink in the fridge and it would help me get to sleep, would that be considered enabling or some kind of modern problem that we have yet another name for?

I find things really tough right now. I haven’t dug deep to find out why. I’m tired of digging. It seems like it’s all I do. Dig deep for this, dig deep for that. Ugh! I find it all really exhausting. I’d like to just rest but I don’t think I can. The world will keep spinning and change will happen without me and it will all leave me behind. Is there some way to calm down other than using substance? Am I just running from something? Probably.

This should be a song. Maybe it already is. Maybe it’s my song and I’m just now hearing it. Do I want to sing it? Do I want to hear it? I wonder if Jesus knew his song? I mean, what a way to die. What a life to have to live. You want to talk about fate? Do I want to sit here and whine about not having a drink to help me sleep? Where do I get off? Let’s talk about “hard times” and “lots” in life.

I’m never as big as I think I am. I’m never as important as I would like to think I am. I’m never as humble as I would like to be. Self-serving and self-centered, those seem to be my songs.

I do want something different. I’m like a dog that’s sitting on a tack. Eventually I’ll move because it’s just too darn uncomfortable. So this is me moving. This is me singing my song. Sometimes it takes a little honesty to make me smile. After a smile comes a laugh and then I see. Whatever “it” is, it’s not as big as I think it is.

Have a drink on me tonight. I’m going to sleep.